The ‘Joy of Motherhood’ is a beautiful sentiment, but it’s often an incomplete story. Our culture expects mothers to be overjoyed, yet ignores the reality of the first few months and years: no sleep, no autonomy, and the constant mental load of keeping a baby alive. How can we expect euphoria when we can’t even find time for a shower?
If you’ve felt the gap between the expectation and your reality, you aren’t alone; it’s a biological and psychological shift. It’s called Matrescence, and it’s time we talked about it.
Read more below!
WHAT IS MATRESCENCE?
Matrescence encompasses the developmental changes women experience as they transition through both becoming a mother and throughout being a mother.
It is a state of normal transition, that is often misunderstood in our culture.
You can think of matrescence like adolescence, a time of significant change physically and psychologically.
Common changes include change to a woman’s body, brain, relationships, identity and emotions.
Although a universal experience, a woman’s matrescence journey is very individual. Changes are diverse, rapid and numerous.
At times mothers may feel a complete loss of sense of self, grief and overwhelm. And these very experiences that change and challenge us afford us opportunities to grow and transform. The challenges within matrescence can shine light on what really matters, allowing us to adapt, adjust and grow, to live in ways that more closely align with our true authentic selves.
The process of matrescence is ongoing, there is no end destination.
With each change in our children we are required to adapt to the new situation presented.
Think of matrescence as becoming, being and unfolding rather than achieving or arriving.
CHANGE WITH MATRESCENCE
Matrescence is defined by a deep sense of maternal ambivalence. It is the jarring reality of holding two truths at once: you can feel completely drained by the demands of motherhood while simultaneously finding it the most fulfilling thing you’ve ever done. You can love your child fiercely while grieving your old life in the same breath.
Matrescence is a largely unacknowledged rite of passage.
Change to be expected:
BIOLOGICAL / PHYSIOLOGICAL / NEUROLOGICAL
Changes to brain structure, neurogenesis and neuroplasticity
Changes to body to grow, birth and feed baby
Hormonal changes
EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL
Experiences of grief, loss, guilt, doubt, confusion
Identity confusion
Maternal ambivalence
RELATIONSHIPS / COMMUNITY / BELONGING
Change in relationship satisfaction
Changes in friendships
Accessing community support and services
SOCIETAL / POLITICAL / INSTITUTIONAL
Our matrescence journey can be impacted by:
Parental leave
Societal and cultural expectations of mothers
Traditional and cultural customs around postpartum support
Mothers need to give themselves permission to feel the full weight of ambivalence.
Let’s be clear: feeling conflicted about your new role doesn’t make you a ‘bad mom.’ Just as we hold space for teenagers struggling with the growing pains of adulthood, we must offer mothers that same grace. It is okay—and normal—to occasionally want a break from the identity of ‘mom’ for a moment or a day.
We must stand by women as they navigate this profound internal transformation, giving them the grace and space they need to settle into their new selves and to embrace who they are becoming.
“It’s really easy for our role as mothers to eclipse our identity as woman, but we are both, and the woman behind the mother needs tending, she needs to feel inspired and alive. That she is living for herself, not just for others.”
Nikki McMahon
